Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Why Men are so Afraid of Relationship?

Okay, so this post correlate with my last two posts. I was actually having this conversation not too long ago with my friend, Tony T Nguyen since it was his question.

Why are men are afraid of relationship?

Here is the breakdown why men are so shaky when it comes to the big "C" word.

1. They're afraid that they'll have to give up their independence and spend every free moment with you.

2. They're worried that you'll try to change them.

3. They fear that a relationship with you will drastically altar life as they know it.

4. They think that they'll have to be accountable to you for everything (their whereabouts, how they spend their time & money, their decisions)

5. They're worried that they'll ose their identity...that "I" will automatically become "We"

6. They're afraid that they'll immediately to be on the path to marriage without having any say in the matter.

Ladies, guys are just as emotionally weak as we are. You don't know what kind of girlfriend-zilla he's had in the past. We've all met that needy, naggy, demanding woman who suck the soul of the man's she's with by making him spend all of his time with her and not allowing him spend time with the guys, checking up on him constantly, and booking the reception hall for their wedding before he's even thought about proposing.

This is what I do and I think you should do the same. It works wonder on yourself and your self-esteem...

Show men you're not a "soul sucker" he fears every woman to be
Go out and better yourself (for me, gym 3 to 4 times a week)
motivate yourself and keep yourself occupied (I take up hobbies)
Love yourself and feel confident in who you are
Encourage your man to find himself, pursue his dreams and grow.

I enjoy being a part of a "we", but that doesn't mean that my boyfriend and I aren't two individuals. Respect him as his own person and never try to change him. Understand a relationship is a major commitment and only when both of you feel ready. In the meantime, layout your hope and expectation for him. But leave it up to him to use that information however he choose to.

What make you girlfriend materials (and guy will respect it)

1. Keep it casual in the beginning. Don't make too many demands on his time or emotion. Don't nag him to spend more time with you than he's able.

2. Force yourself to see other people. (and no, I'm not talking about sleeping around) Even if your heart's not into it..but keep your options open until things become more serious. You'll be less emotionally invested in the outcome of the relationship, thereby feeling more powerful, in control, and less desperate!

3. Let him iniate the "let's date exclusively" conversation. When he is ready to date exclusively with you...he'll let you know. Let him make the first decision and the first move. Men are afraid of "the talk" or "where is this relationship going?" Guys work on their own timeline. They may be falling hard for you and want you to be their girlfriend, but if you're the one bring it up first, they still might be totally resistant because they want it to be a decision on their own. Unil he calls you the "G" word, relax. A man's action speak louder than the word he isn't yet saying. If he's voluntarily stopped seeing other girls and wants to spend most of his free time with you, you are already important to him. So he has a little problem with "labels"...let him iniate when he is ready to tell you he wants you all to himself.

4. Don't act entitled to know his whereabouts and don't check up on him. Most men are very sensitive about their autonomy, and if they sense that a woman feels entitled to know where he is and what's he doing at every moment of the day, they will freak out. Guaranteed.

5. Keep your life busy and full. On the other hand, date yourself. Don't wait for him to plan a date with you. Take yourself on a date. Whether you're single, dating, or even married, it's healthy for you to pursue your own interest and spend time with your own friends. Being a part of a couple shouldn't mean that you cease to exists as an individual. Doing your own thing sometimes will enrich your life, gives you more experiences and yes, make you more interesting to the man you're in a relationship with.

So there you haven't ladies and gents!!

Should I Give him an Ultimatum?

This topic actually correlate a lot with my last post. You may ask why.

Women, when they are in a situation with "friends with benefits" or may even not in that situation...this topic will comes up soon or later.

Tired of waiting for him to committ...
Tired of investing your time to a relationship that is not going anywhere...
Tired of wondering what he is really thinking...
Tired of being confused and lost...

THEN BOOM!! We hit him up with an ultimatum...
Then he disappear.

Ladies, let me tell you why ultimatum doesn't work.

He probably got a different timeline in his head.
Another possibility is that he's become so comfortable with the relationship that he's too complacent to make a move.
Or maybe he just don't see a future with you...

Regardless what the answer is, ultimatum will not work.

Let's begin with the definition of an "ultimatum"

ul-ti-ma-tum: a statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties of the terms are not accepted. (American Heritage Dictionary)

in layman's term, "It's my way or the highway"
When do you ever see a successful relationship where one party gets everything.

By giving him an ultimatum, you are thinking you are placing yourself in the situation where you have power.

But in reality, you are giving yourself false illusion.

In a more clearer image, you are trying to force a decision out of someone when you are actually powerless over the outcome.

In fact, the more pressue you put on him to do what you want, the more likely you are to drive him away.

So what are some of the reasons why ultimatums don't work??

1. It might be a decision he would have to come on his own and he may end up resenting you for pushing him into it.

2. You'll never be sure that he really wants what you want.

3. You shouldn't have to force someone to give you what you want, and you'll feel bad that you had to resort to threats to get your needs met.

4. You can't change someone or have control over their actions.

5. The best, which I'm saving for last. There's a good chance he'll call your bluff.
So if an ultimatum doesn't work...what works?

Communication. Don't totally blows up your personal beliefs.

Calmly explain your needs and expectations to him. End it with a note "...I'm just letting you know that this is a decision I have made for myself and whatever you decide to do with that information is up to you."

Do you see the different approach?

It allows you to stand up for your beliefs and let the other person know what expectations you have...

But it allows the other person the dignity of making their own choice based on the information you give them.

Hopefully, he'll be smart enough to realize how amazing you are wand will gladly do anything it takes to rise up to meet your needs and expectation.

But even he isn't willing to, then you have the peace of mind knowing that you never lowered yourself to the level of threatening of groveling. You simply made him aware of what you needed, and if he can't meet those needs then it's his problem and his loss.

Keep focus on yourself and your own needs and give him the power to choose his next move.

But remember, just because he's not willing to commit, doesn't make him a bad guy. There are many reasons why men doesn't want to commit...

and that's for the later post...

But I'll end it with this note

If he's truly worth being the "the one" for you, he'll step up to the plate and willingly do whatever it takes to make you happy.

Until then, just have fun. The best relationships are created when two people are truly satisfied and happy with each other.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Why would a man buy the cow if he gets free milk?

comment from Regina - "Please HELP. I am so lost and feel so alone. I have been dating Robert for 4 years and you could say we have lived together all this
time. We both have our own place, but from the beginning he always wanted me with him. SO I came to his place every day after work and stayed there on weekends. I had a key to his place and he has one to mine. I would get off before him and he wanted me to come on over and make myself at home and wait for him.

He always made sure he was home right after work and we would eat dinner and then he would help with the dishes and then we would sit together and watch TV or a movie. Then we would get up and shower together washing each others backs and making love afterward and then falling asleep in each others arms.

It was the best 4 years of my life and on weekends when he had his kids we spent all the time together like a family. Then a month-and-a- half ago out of the blue he started telling me he was going to go out with some guys from work and then he would come home to me very drunk.

I would try to guilt him into not going. Which just made him mad at me. I know that was wrong. I finally just stopped since it didn't help and then the parties stopped 4 weeks ago and then I woke up one morning a month ago for work and then he kissed me good bye like always and told me he loved me and would see me tonight for dinner.

Then like clock work he called me around lunch time and while we were talking he just told me he wanted to break up and that he needed space. But he loved me and wanted to keep me in his life as his friend, because he sees me as his best friend.

I was crushed and tried to make him change his mind. It didn't work. Then a few days later he came by to fix some things he knew needed fixing and we talk and he asks if I was willing to be friends and to be exclusive sexually.

I was desperate not to lose him, so I agreed. And I would see him every other night and he would come by, spend some time watching TV with me, holding me on the couch and kissing me and we would make love and he would stay for an hour or more and then kiss me good bye and go home.

I know he went home because I would drive by and check a little later and also in the morning to make sure there wasn't anyone else there.

I haven't found another car there and he is always home. Then the other night I saw him at a going-away party for a friend of ours and we ended up coming back to my place and making love and him sleeping over. I became curious and wondered if there was another woman and looked at his cell phone text messages and calls. ( only friends) He woke up and caught me and was so mad and left.

I haven't seen him for 3 days. And then I see him at the gym (we work out together once a week) and he showed up because he knew I needed help with the free weights. He played around with me some and gave me a few hugs, but he didn't try to kiss
me like he use to.

Please help me win him back. I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy but I was so
desperate to know he wasn't with another woman. I am so scared I lost him for good. Which is hard because I see him at the fire department we both volunteer at twice a week.

I know he loves me because of what we have been through, but my insecurities keep messing things up, because I have been cheated on by an ex-husband and ex-fiance in my past. I desperately want to find a way for him to return and spend a life with him and his children. Regina"

Ladies, we been down this road before at least once in our lives. Working so hard to be in a relationship with a man you have invested a lot in. It can be frustrating. At times, we may feel resentful and confused about what to do...which may actually push a man away or lost all hopes of the promise in a date or a full-blow relationship.

It's our doing that get us introuble. It's the thing that our minds are wired to do with a man and it's the same thing that make our "attractiveness" less to a guy...and the less interested he is in us. A man becomes attached to you because he feels safe and attracted to your vibe and energy.

We actually tried to make it seem like it was "alright" with being treated badly. Like we were actually "a-ok" with being introduced as a "friend" and "okay" being kissed or just touched only in private setting.

And it would take us a long time to get that WANTING a REAL relationship - wanting a man to behave with me the way a man is SUPPOSED to behave with a woman he LIKES (let alone LOVES) was not a sign of WEAKNESS.

I personally don't want you to have to go through that.

So, if you pull away from a man who wants to be "friends," without having more and more discussion about his point of view - is this running away?

Is it selfish?

Is it treating him as "disposable"?

And of course - my resounding, big, loud answer
to that is NO!

The RIGHT way to treat a man who sleeps with you and then wants to be your "friend" is to say how you feel - "I feel feelings for you beyond
friendship, and so I don't want to be friends with you just now..." and then DROP HIM

Regina - you aren't going to like this. It's
tough love, so don't read if you don't want to
hear it.

You're in a "friends with benefits" situation,
and you've been there a long, long time.

The "losing" of him (if you ever actually
"had" him, and I don't believe you did) happened
a long time ago.

He's long gone.

Some men don't need more than what he has with you right now. There may not be another woman.There may be many other women. There may not be another woman for years. Makes no difference. He may never be into ANY woman. He may frequent
prostitutes for all you know. Every time you sleep with him you are physically endangering yourself (I hope you're using condoms).

Here's what I want you to do, and if you decided to read this - know that I'm here to help you to stay strong:

1. Drop him out of your life. Completely. NO CONTACT.

This means - no gym unless you're sure he's not there - best thing to do is take a month's free trial at another gym, perhaps some interesting dance classes, something new, but if you can't, then make sure you go when he's NOT going to be there.

You're going to have to be very, very strong
and tell him this:

"I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven't taken care of myself. I can't handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can't be your friend, and I don't want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don't call me again, or come over."

And if he DOES call, or shows up at your home- I suggest strongly that you hang up the phone, slam the door before he says ANYTHING. If you need protection, call the police.

Yes - I'm totally serious here.

You are - (and I'm going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my friends all the time - it's very helpful to see it from this perspective) - you are a

He is like the needle you can't wait to stick in your arm.

You're giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he's with you.

Same with heroin.

It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can't let go of wanting the "fix." He is your "fix."

Regina - I want you to take a square look at what is really happening here - a "nice and friendly" version of the classic "booty call," and then, I want you to....


Every single man who even looks at you kindly,I want you to smile back at him. I want you to take every invitation you get to anywhere. I want you out of the house and in the company of someman.

I want you to experience what it feels like to be with a man who is not like heroin. Yeah,maybe a boring man, maybe a quiet man, maybe a not-so-sexy man, maybe a man you can't or won't fall in love with.

This man is not toxic in himself. He may be a very nice man. But he's heroin for you. There is no "easing out of this." Cold turkey is your only option here.

I want to end this note with three important sayings I go by:

"Why would a man buy the cow if he can get free milk?"

"Why settle for a cake if it doesn't come with the frosting?"

"When in doubt, throw it out!"

I wish you luck Regina